Mysterious Lavender
Good afternoon everybody! What an excellent week it has been! The frogs are croaking, the skies are shining, and I get to enjoy a lovely plate of onigiri accompanied with the usually rare but becoming more frequent visitor, Vivian X. In this bloody heat, Verghula is dripping due to the constant 41º C weather and the ever growing hot sauce that was created not too long ago. The detectives that once had children who were transmogrified into hot sauce have all now become like hot sauce themselves and so, I must say, the case has finally closed after a year and a half of investigating. May the sauce be a better alternative substance for them to live in and create comfortable living environments for them.
I can’t say much as I am not actually being paid for this but a new product has just become available in Walmare! Some feisty ducks were complaining about the unfortunate uncontrollable releasing of fluids and solids that occur regularly and how frustrating it is to not be able to stay at your friend’s place for more than 4 hours. Well look no further for the newly added “Excretion with Discretion”! It is an all-included garment for disguising your nasty dumps and reverting them into their lovely fragrances before consumption! After one digests their food and it passes, this handy device will be ready to convert its smell back into what it originally smelt like! No more embarrassing bathroom experiences. Call Poe Cling now for specific details.
The 12 Khoshek kittens that the local idiot adopted before had apparently been misdiagnosed and are actually panthers mixed with peregrine falcons. How the Institute of Retired Teachers’ Board could have screwed up so badly, I’ll never know. Their breed is an exceptionally rare species found only in the Kaulukan mountains up north but somehow some crazy psycho brought one that had disguised itself as a cat and had given birth to 12 of them. Of course, the local idiot had been going through a time of repence and adopted all 12, considering them to be family and allowing them to roam free within the house. They are called Indelifiles, feeding on only the richest grains of rice and will search for miles to find them and are extremely dangerous. If you ever come in contact with one, contact me and pray to God they haven’t caught your scent yet...
The Local Idiot
I was completely stunned by the beauty of this place. Honestly, I could not figure out the physics of it. I mean one moment we were walking straight and the next thing I know, I’m turning diagonally while walking upside down. Or at least I think upside down. I’m not really understanding this “Bardonia”.
One of Grandma Raeyechaeyelle’s friends, the one I threw up on, looked quite familiar, yet their face was clouded by some sort of vibrating mask. When looked upon, the mask seemed to shake until the person’s features were no longer recognizable but it looked like it was attached to them. I had briefly heard their voice but it had sounded like someone from Verghula…
As Grandma Raeyechaeyelle was dragging me along, I got to see some magnificent views including twisted radishes bathing in some salted rivers, the sky changing from a haven of purple to a deep red, and some very attractive creatures with a human top and a lion’s bottom half. We went flying on griffins and got so close to the water that it left a glistening mask on my face. I could feel the wind blowing through my hair and let my arms spread out wide, laughing the whole way. It was the best feeling in the world. The feeling of freedom.
“We’re almost there,” Grandma yelled back to me, the wind overpowering her weaker voice.
“ALRIGHT,” I shouted back, missing the flying sensation already. We landed in an open field full of tall purely green stalks that looked like corn but each tip looked like wheat. The wind that danced through our hair smelt like warm, fresh Thai Curry, blowing from the northeast from the curry river that I had just noticed. All 3 of us, Grandma Raeyechaeyelle, the mysteriously familiar person who I believed to be male, and I, bowed graciously to our rides who bowed back and promptly proceeded to gallop off into the sky, spreading their wings majestically. We turned to see a small path within the field leading towards what looked like a house in the far distance. Looking tired, Grandma Raeyechaeyelle proceeded to start walking to the house, letting go of my wrist for the first time since we arrived.
“Where are we?” I asked, confused as to why we were only going to this place in hopes of figuring out what on earth, or another planet, that gut-wrenching noise that came from the upstairs of M. Wok’s house was. Grandma Raeyechaeyelle didn’t answer but her friend gave me a worried, non-distinguishable look. As we passed each tall stalk, they seemed to lean in overtop of us, shrouding us from the sun. I stayed close to the others, hoping that they weren’t dangerous.
Once we reached the end of the field, I was greeted by the sight of a very stereotypical pink house that looked extremely girly. It was surrounded by neatly trimmed red bushes and several different types of flowers including petunias, camellias, begonias, and more that I had never seen before, all in different shades of pink and red. On the right, there was a beautiful red lake that I couldn’t decide whether or not it had been dyed or was natural. On the left, there was an open grassy plain that looked like it was commonly used for some sport similar to golf. The house itself looked to be from the 1960s but had been kept in top condition, complete with Bob Dylan’s folk music playing through the open windows.
“Welcome to my mother’s house,” Grandma Raeyechaeyelle looked considerably uncomfortable with the entire property and frequently kept checking around her. I was surprised.
Her mother? I thought to myself, looking at Grandma Raeyechaeyelle’s smooth complexion and lack of wrinkles. It got me wondering how old she really was and how old her mother must be in order to still be alive in human years.
We walked up to the front door and she knocked three times on the wooden frame. There were sounds of cooking coming from inside and after the knocks, the sounds of scuffling feet heading towards the door could be heard. The door swung open to reveal a tall, slim woman with blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, and enough old-lady bracelets to purchase a small dog. She was wearing a bright rose-coloured hoop dress that had poofy shoulders and an oddly chosen long salmon cape. Around her shoulders was a burgundy tabby cat with brilliant red eyes that looked ready to pounce on anything that moved. Her eyes scanned over her visitors, lingering on her daughter’s face before landing on me for too long.
“What are you doing here,” she sharply spit out, her voice stinging my ears like Indiana Jones’ whip.
“We found him,” Grandma Raeyechaeyelle whispered calmly, oblivious to her mother’s harsh tones. The mother’s eyes flickered back to me for a brief moment before admitting us inside and closing the door behind us.
“Where,” she asked, leading us to an over-the-top pink living room, including a pink Persian cat draped over one of the couches.
“On a secret road that was only discovered yesterday by this boy,” Grandma replied, gesturing to me with a wave of a hand. The mother’s eyes once again almost shot arrows into my body just by looking at me. I started fidgeting with the buttons on my Hawaiian shirt, quite conscious of how out of place I looked with the bright orange and green shirt I had purchased. Grandma Raeyechaeyelle’s friend had sat beside me and was also staring at me, trying to analyse the very simple mind I had.
“That can’t be possible,” the mother exclaimed, pacing back and forth in front of the pink drapes that covered the rose-tinted windows, her cape flowing behind her. “Only members of the &*%$# can open portals to new roads from our realm.” When she actually said the association, it got fizzed out in my brain and I got a bit woozy for a couple of seconds before coming back, effectively blocking out whatever it was she said.
“Yes, but father could too, and now so can this boy.”
The mother grimaced, reminiscing in a painful memory. “This doesn’t make sense though,” she said softly. Grandma nodded with a confused look on her face. With no introductions and no understanding of what they’re actually saying, I chimed in.
“Hey, I just wanted to start the introductions. Hi. My name is the local idiot. I’m from Verghula. Nice to meet you…” I started to say before I felt a cold invisible clamp on my vocal chords.
“Silence mortal. You know nothing of this. Why did you even bring him here,” the mother asked her daughter, clearly irritated by me. I huffed in annoyance and sat in silence.
“He needs to know. We don’t have a choice. We need to know why he had that power,” she said, looking at me curiously. All three of them looked at me just as I let out a loud burp, causing the mother to look at me in disdain and my face to turn beet red. I had no idea what they were talking about. Me? Special? The only thing I know is special about me is that I can stuff 5 large marshmallows in my mouth and still be able to say Chubby Bunny at parties I thought to myself.
Grandma Raeyechaeyelle rolled her eyes and sat down on the opposite couch and started to explain.
“There is an evil organization out there called &*%$# that hunts people like my father,” the mother looked away at the mention of her husband. “Like my father,” Grandma repeated, “who fought evil and strived for peace through a multitude of different universes. They would fight crime and fought against this group for centuries but would always come to an even state of power. They were known as the Paraforce Corporation and were a force to be reckoned with, until one day their leader went missing. My Dad.
He was incredible. Strong, powerful, a heroic leader who always put others first. True, he had a bit of a temper and had PTSD from his army days at Garcon’s Military Base, but he was the most loving person you would ever know. He took care of Mom and I until I was about 41; still very young. He was travelling past a planet called Murel when his GPS signal got scrambled and we lost contact. He had had a small team of detectives with him who were on their way to delve into some suspicions about a gambling overlord but that investigation was put on hold once Paraforce’s base started receiving panicky messages from them. Murel had been a hotspot for members of &*%$# to sell contraband to third parties but had never been the most stable place, atmospherically. When emergency teams arrived at the scene, there was nothing left but ruin and some leftover asteroids. No bodies were found except for a couple of those who had been at nearby stores and they were floating in space, drifting in and out of new wormholes. That was the last time anyone had seen them, and to this day they remain heroes in the eyes of our citizens… and in our hearts.” Grandma Raeyechaeyelle and her mother started tearing up a bit and sat beside each other hugging.
“Anywho, an abnormal surge of unknown energy was detected about a week before you entered M. Wok’s house, affecting an unknown number of civilians, and could not be located until now. You discovered a road that hadn’t been found before using one of our world’s portals, a skill that has never been passed down to a human. Until now.” The mother looked at me curiously, finally softening her gaze. I had no idea what was going on but I had a suspicion something big was coming up.
“We need to go to the Ancient One,” Grandma Raeyechaeyelle said, standing up, preparing to embark on another journey.
“Are you sure? They don’t like to be disturbed unless it is an absolute emergency,” the mother asked worried, looking actually scared. I did not like this version of her and felt my knees starting to shake in fear even though I was sitting down.
“We must go now. The state Bardonia is in has never been the best, but now that this has occurred, we are in danger of other individuals trespassing on our land,” Grandma Raeyechaeyelle stated matter-of-factly, gesturing to her friend to get up. We all stood up to leave and as I went to hug the mother, she hit me in the chest with a forceful blow from her hand.
“What are you doing!?!?” she asked, startled.
“Just trying to give you a hug,” I mumbled, embarrassed to have fallen on my butt by an old lady. She looked at me in confusion before Grandma rolled her eyes and grabbed me by the arm, nodding goodbye to her mother. Her mother nodded back, the tension from the beginning coming back.
We headed towards what looked like the centre of town, but had a lot of buildings and shops with checkered patterns on them. We entered what looked like a mini pet shop mixed with the fantasy books I used to read as a kid. There were dragon-looking animals in metallic cages who kept huffing and occasionally blowing a puff of snow out of their nostrils. A couple of half-tiger half-eagle creatures were swimming in a large tank full of murky green waters, with some of them chowing down on shrimp. A variety of different sized birds were perched on different structures, all looking slightly hungry. I started looking for a trap door but could see none. Grandma Raeyechaeyelle looked at the storekeeper and at once, she nodded and went out back. I prepared for the Ancient One, putting my hands behind my back and hoped that everything would work out…
Professor Palentia
Mr. Hurderer was quite an intriguing man who didn’t quite know what he was doing but had determination which interested me. My background is quite simple but recently a close friend of mine had challenged me to express myself in a more exuberant way. Obviously, a quest will provide long-lasting interesting experiences and a vast library of memories for me to recall at older ages so I started looking around at pubs and libraries primarily. Noticeably, a large man was yelling across the streets, daring anyone to prove their bravery to him by joining him on an almost impossible quest. Against my better judgment, I accepted his request and we are currently sitting in a bar populated to the maximum with community members including Mr. Hurderer’s apparent friend. She looked of Asian descent with black hair dyed at the tips, the colour lavender, wearing a flowing slightly tinted salmon coloured long-sleeved shirt with tight black skinny jeans. Her eyes were a warm colour that I couldn’t see from this far away, and she was wearing an almost stupid amount of makeup on her face. Her lips were lush and pink and looking very kissable…
NO! What on earth are you thinking? You told yourself no more dating since Cameron… I thought, scolding myself for thinking that of a woman you hadn’t even met yet. Both Mr. Hurderer and I approached her just as she took a small sip of her apple juice.
“CAROLLLL,” Mr. Hurderer roared, putting Carol into a one-armed choke hold and rubbing her beautifully styled hair until it became full of knots.
“EEEeeeekkk!!!” she screamed slightly in an extremely girlish way, helplessly struggling against Mr. Hurderer’s strong arms. He just laughed and ruffled up her hair once again, effectively making a small rat’s nest. I looked stunned at the lack of respect he showed for his friends and people in general but I was helpless to aid her. He released her and smiled triumphantly, clearly smug with himself.
“What are you doing here?” she gasped, still trying to regain air in her tiny trachea.
“I am off on an adventure with my new friend err… What’s your name again?” he prompted me to answer.
“Professor Palentia at your service ma’am,” I stated old-fashioned, bowing out of courtesy to a young woman. When I looked up, she was blushing furiously as I kissed her hand.
“Whhhwhhyy hello there,” she stuttered, clearly not used to formalities at this extremity. I smiled politely and Mr. Hurderer interjected.
“This young man is going to join me on my journey!! Would you like to join?” His voice boomed through the bar like he was talking through the speakers. Carol looked as though she were a frightened mouse looking up at a giant cougar but did not reject the offer.
“Maayyybeee… I have to check with my schedule and my friends and plan when I would call my parents,” she began to explain all the bad reasons why she shouldn’t go but Mr. Hurderer stopped her.
“NONSENSE! You’ll love it!! Plus, you’ll get to know Mr. Dementia over here,” he gave me quite a hardy pat on the back before I got the chance to correct him.
“Professor Palentia,” I quietly mumbled to myself, not loud enough for him to hear. Carol looked apologetic to me but I waved it off, giving her one of my rare smiles. She started blushing again as did I.
“I guess I could come join you…” she whispered under her breath but Mr. Hurderer heard her.
“WONDERFUL!!!!!” He roared, twirling her around and throwing her up in the air like she weighed nothing. She was a twig compared to his ginormous tree. “This shall be the best adventure yet!!”
Yippee, I thought to myself quietly, wondering if I would ever get back to my family in Buckinghamshire. We exited the bar with Carol drinking her small box of apple juice, me drinking a virgin Pina Colada, and Mr. Hurderer downing shot after shot of rum not even feeling the burn with his arms around us. We started to head towards the nearest general store and ended up passing Carol’s place.
“I’ll be right back,” she yelled over her shoulder, running inside to assumely pack her things and anything that would be useful including weapons and special pets. Mr. Hurderer started walking towards the entrance of her house but I stopped him by explaining how it’s rude to enter a house you haven’t been invited into. He disagreed but proceeded to sit down on a nearby log bench and count all the blades of grass while eating a packet of raisins that appeared from nowhere. I was quite confused how a grown man could still eat SunMaid raisins elegantly, but he achieved that accomplishment without difficulty. Carol came out about half an hour later and it was around the afternoon now when we finally made it to the general store.
When I walked in, I was greeted by the tingle of a bell and the refreshing scent of scotch mints that had just been freshly packaged. I started looking through the different aisles for necessities and any weapons that would be better than my dull training sword that my father had given me on my 16th birthday. I saw a couple of crossbows, shortswords, daggers, and fencing sticks but none really connecting with me.
“Hey! Is this something you’re looking for?” Carol asked from behind me as I turned around to answer the voice. She was holding a slightly battered red and black scimitar that had a beautiful dragon design around the hilt. I reached for the scimitar that she was holding out and tested the balance. Perfect. I gave it a couple of carefully controlled swings within the store and it seemed to be made for me, not too heavy but not too lanky.
“Yes. This is perfectly adequate for my needs. Thank you,” I thanked her, gracefully putting the sword back into its sheath. She bowed her head slightly to try and hide the red that was rising up to her cheeks and promptly turned the other way and went to purchase a tent, some firesticks, a hatchet, a tree wand that summons a tree the same height as you every time you mumble its type of tree 3 times in a row, and a peculiar-looking flying Siberian baby tiger. I stocked up on a couple of things I knew were necessary for camping and purchased a miniature brown-spotted toad the size of my thumbnail. I hadn’t seen Mr. Hurderer for a while but I was sure he was okay.
Carol and I went outside to sit on a nearby log bench and sat beside each other close enough that if we turned at the same time, we would be very awkwardly close but not close enough to be touching hips. That was when we heard his voice…
“Look what I found!!!”
Mysterious Lavender
Proceeding to leave Lou still on that cliffhanger and the new addition creating new emotional troubles to the team embarking on ShAgY’s quest will still always be a delight for me. I hope you have a lovely day my fellow readers and remember:
Keep smiling and all will be okay :)
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