Mysterious Lavender
On an excellent evening like today I find it to be quite a drag to have to do homework inside, avoiding the outdoors like the plague while its shimmering beams of light cast shadows of temptation around the room. It dances with the blinds, moving this way and that, until an unforeseen force moves to block out its innocent gaze, darkening the room. It is quite a bummer to be inside all the time but nonetheless, we move on, hoping for better news when there seems to be no good.
On a road leading to hell, just south of our main ice cream store Lakes of Milk, someone’s toe has been found whilst on a walk. They expressed desire for anonymity so I shall respect their wishes, but would someone like a toe? Perhaps you were hanging from the crow’s nest on your house, like normal, and were finding it hard to sleep, or roaming around in the supermarket Walmare and didn’t have enough toes to hold everything. Here, we have a free, sturdy, 2 by 1 inch, slightly-hairy-but-we’ll-shave-it, friendly toe who wants a new home. Consider adopting and email me for more specifics.
Friendly guys, gals, and non-binary pals, it is my great honour to share with you the new phase that we are going through. Of course, this started 25 days ago, but in our time, we still have many months to go. Welcome… to the month of PRIDE. This month is where all buyers pretend to be LGBTQ+ friendly for exactly 30 days with their apparel, parades, sales, and events but what’s really happening…is representation. You see, no matter what your beliefs are about Pride or the LGBTQ+ community, during pride month, you are forced to exhibit a happy smile every time you walk by a lesbian and protrude happy thoughts whilst looking at a non-straight or non-cis couple. Everyone is celebrating their differences and being proud of who they are while homophobes are forced to hide behind masks of happiness. One glorious month. They are literally almost forced by law to smile upon the faces of lesbians, bi’s, transgendered folks, you name it. Enjoy it folks :)
Local Idiot
I started pulling on the chains that felt familiar to my hands as I relayed what hell I had walked through to get here to Mr. T…
It had been a normal afternoon. Walking down a road I didn’t know existed, meeting apparently a suspicious M. Wok, and ending up cooking all four of his complicated dishes. After Vivian cast that time spell, everything seemed to stop. I was flipping something that looked like meat in hopes of quenching the flames whilst the two members of the Unarmed Peace Police Department were against the wall and the two members from Corporate were starting to go upstairs. I could see them moving, but everything within a 5 foot radius of me was frozen in place. In front of me, I could see the flames at full height burning what looked like smoked salmon, or some version of it that included green onions and peanut butter. The other dishes were outside of my personal bubble but I could move, gently setting the pan down on a cool surface.
I rushed over to where the over dish that was on fire was and as soon as it was immersed in my own personal time bubble, it stopped moving. Eloquently, I proceeded to lift the melting ladle out of the boiling steamy pot and set it in a nearby sink, putting a new reminder in my head to discard it once these dishes were finished. I grabbed a measuring cup and started pouring cold water into the mysterious liquid that was apparently deemed edible.
“Cool,” I whispered to myself in awe, waving my hand over the flames that were slowly becoming detached to their origin.
.
.”You got that right,” Grandma Raeyechaeyelle announced, walking into my time bubble.
“How did you?! Time bubble??! Human???” I started spurting out questions relating to how she could still move.
“I’m not sure which question you are specifically asking me, but I am indeed not human and part wizard myself,” she explained, relieving me of any suspicions of relations with Ogs.
“Well, please come help me!” I squeaked, aware that only two dishes had been saved and one was still boiling over and another making an aggressive squeak towards us.
“As you wish…” she sighed, waving her umbrella in the air 3 times. Abruptly, the dishes disappeared and reappeared in front of her, all complete to perfection.
“Wicked,” I stared in admiration.
“Now, while you’re busy gawking at some food, we need to actually help. There have been rumours that this place existed for years and I had had my own suspicions, but I could not have confirmed that it existed until you stumbled upon it. For that, I thank you,” and she bowed slightly.
“Oh… no problem,” I managed to squeak out, my cheeks burning up from the compliment.
“Now let’s actually get to work,” she exclaimed, oblivious to my embarrassment. She picked up a black briefcase that appeared out of nowhere and walked over to where myself and M. Wok had been what felt like only moments before. She opened the briefcase and started taking samples of DNA while looking at everything through an old-fashioned microglass. I stuck my finger into the most delicious-looking dish and almost cried from the beautiful feelings I felt from the tastes. Completely unexplainable.
Grandma Raeyechaeyelle worked quickly while I tried to understand everything she was saying, holding little memory for actual details. Once she had finished, she said “are you good with travelling?”
“Oh yeah,” I said matter-of-factly, proud of all the countries I had been to.
“Good, hold on,” she stated as she grabbed my arm and stuck her umbrella up in the air. A cloud started to form inside and shocked the umbrella and us as everything became a bright light.
When I could see again, we had transported to a completely different country, perhaps a different world. The sky was a light shade of purple yet my watch read 1:34 pm. The ground beneath me initially felt sticky, but I realized the gravitational pull was even stronger than on Earth, tugging me almost constantly forward and downwards. The so-called buildings hardly looked made from technological knowledge that us humans thought we possessed with a high regard. There were tall looping structures that were angled so aggressively sideways I couldn’t figure out how they were functional. Mounds of what looked like dirt were hollowed out and contained different translators for malls. In the far side I could see a field with animals the size of bulldogs sucking at the air.
Looking at the twirls of fibreglass strands transporting living beings in a blink of an eye was so incredible I had to back up, causing myself to recognize the nausea in my stomach to come forth. I quickly looked around for a normal garbage can but could only see a circular blue and yellow platform to my left that looked way too fancy so I puked almost on my own shoes. I fell to the floor and nearly passed out.
Grandma Raeyechaeyelle
I grabbed the local idiot and together I transported us to a safer place. My world.
As soon as we landed, the local idiot proceeded to throw up, missing our actual garbage bins designed for first-timers and going straight on my close friend’s shoes.
“Ewwwwww,” Poe Cling grimaced as he stuck out his tongue at him.
“So… sorry,” the local idiot managed to pant out, trying to regain lost energy from muscles he had never worked before. “What happened to Verghula?”
I laughed, forgetting how puny humans concepts of time and places were. ”We’re on my planet. Welcome to Bardonia,“ I welcome him, gesturing at the beautiful landscapes behind us.
“Bardonia?? That’s not even a real word,” he stuttered, clearly not understanding just how superior our race was to have just travelled 5.3 thousand light years away.
“Well it is here so be careful what you say,” I warned, looking at the curious tourists nearby. I pulled him up from the ground and started walking towards where I knew it was safe, a place I hadn’t been to since the Great War of Emus in 1932 where we lost brutally, a place full of memories that still gave me flashbacks and made me question the “what-ifs”. I hesitated only for a second before dragging a starstruck idiot to my mother’s house.
Mr. Hurderer
“WHY SHALL NONE OF YOU EMBARK ON THIS GLORIOUS QUEST???” I roared, eyeing each and every one of the civilians that roamed around me. “DO YOU NOT SEEK SATISFACTION?”
“Good sir if you could kindly shut up it would be music to our ears,” an obnoxiously male voice with a British accent replied to the left of me, keeping a calm composure. He had on a long green robe typically known as uncommon but originating from the West. His hair was slightly long, a light brownish colour, and milky dark eyes that could only be seen in light. His hands were empty, yet there was a very powerful presence about him that I couldn’t seem to put my finger on. Of course, to complete the look, the man had small green crocs on. I stood up tall, preparing to impress him.
“And why on Earth would I do that?” I stared at the man, trying to intimidate him into submissive behaviour. He changed not one bit. He was good.
“Because due to your abnormally raised volumed output, the herbs for this year’s crops are starting to become scared and you are RUINING their flowering season,” he inspected me thoroughly, taking in an uncomfortably large amount of detail from me.
“Well, you should tell them to SUIT UP AND BE STRONG,” I yelled, purposefully being louder than before. Suddenly, the man seemed to wave his right arm in the air and I could feel my vocal chords squished together in an instant. Not painful, but in the way that you can not get a single word out without sounding like a dying horse on Sunday. The man, clearly pleased with his work, walked over to me and leaned over, getting very close to my left ear.
“Unfortunately, they don’t speak forceful,” he stated, smirking for a mere second before emotion was erased into a smooth face.
Who are you, I wondered to myself.
“My name is Professor Palentia, and I highly recommend that you show some respect to those of your community more often,” he warned me, releasing the silence spell on me as I reached for my neck for comfort. He turned around and seemed startled that there was an adventure board just waiting to be looked at. Quickly, he started mumbling to himself. I just watched in confusion and a bit of anger.
“What are you doing,” I huffed, puffing out my chest once again to establish dominance. Completely ignoring my question, he asked one of his own.
“Are you looking for adventurers for this specific quest?” he asked surprisingly.
“Why yes indeed. I was trying to find more followers but NO ONE seems to listen to me,” I exclaimed, looking threateningly around the room. Suddenly, Professor Palentia stood straight up and turned to face me.
“Brilliant! I shall join you on your quest for great glory and find some companions to coming along as well. Now hop hop you best start packing,” he chirped, looking slightly happier than he did before. I was so confused by all the magic I had just witnessed but didn’t say anything. I was a bit apprehensive about letting the man who silenced me and made me look like an idiot in front of the whole village come with me on a huge quest, but he seemed to know a lot more about magic than I did so I agreed.
And now, there were two adventurers...
Lou
I felt around, scratching for any cracks and exits around. I was situated in quite a large space considering the viewable size of the house from outside but nothing was making sense down here. I heard a couple of bangs from below, a flurry of incohesive swear words, and the scuffling of feet as he exited the room. I stayed there for a little while longer, listening to any other signs of breathing. None came.
I approached the hole I had gone through and inspected the room I had just escaped from. The lights had been turned off but my eyesight was making out familiar shapes and edges extremely quickly. The chair that I had been sitting in had been left untouched while a standup table sat behind me, coercing curiosity through me. As I scanned the room, there seemed to be nothing except for a small piece of parchment near the door that he must’ve dropped. I silently lowered myself back into the room before running quickly with my padded feet to grab the note and return to the attic. From there, I read what it said…
“District 53: stage 2.
District 34: unstable. Causing codon failure.
District 819: ???”
What? I thought quietly to myself, preparing for anyone to answer me telepathically. No one responded. Thinking quickly, I pulled out a bobby pin that I kept in my hair at all times in case of emergencies like these and started picking away at the door. With two clicks it swung open, revealing an empty metallic hallway. I wasted no time and started running left, looking for an exit. I peeked around the corner of the next hallways and saw two guards going in the opposite direction and rounding the corner on the left side. I stealthily rolled and landed in perfect fighting form, three milliseconds away from punching someone.
I quickly started running down the same hallway, getting spotted by a variety of guards but I didn’t care. I had seen a hope. A single hope. A window in front of me at the very end of the hallway with dozens of sub-hallways leading left and right. Trying to slink into the walls, I managed to confuse a couple of guards but not all. At speeds like these I could not accurately hide from everyone. Closer and closer the window approached me and the sound of a whistle from a train rose into the air, vibrating my eardrums. The last two hallways had see through glass and I could see more backup soldiers charging through. There was only one chance I had to escape this and while I wished I could save Vivian and T, at least I had saved a sleepy Blorgus. Or at least, I thought I had… With one desperate leap, I slammed my right foot into the glass and...
Mysterious Lavender
Gosh I love being a tease. I’m so sorry folks, that’s all the time we have for today. If you ever have any need to talk to me about LGBTQ+ issues or topics or talk about the Black Lives Matter movement, I am here to listen. I wish you the best of luck in these Co-Vid 19 times but: keep smiling, and all will be okay :)
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