A trifling event occurred in the sad and treacherous classroom on March 26, 2018 known as "where the magic happens". The aftereffects on the participating students are stifling, as none of them can remember anything more than blurry images and visions of a misshapen (pronounced miss-hap-pen) protruding object being consumed by none other than our local idiot's cousin, Gay™ Icon™. Although the history and previous events prior to this memory being conjured are unknown, even though multiple of the participants have already been legally interrogated in the most unique ways, it has been reported a missing fact in the small frame of time that our existence is placed on this Earth. Investigators and detectives are already on the scene, discovering the secret to grandma Raeyechaeyelle Wondoe Chaitea's famous cinnamon roll recipe on the way (pronounced ch-eye-la-tEEE and Wondoe is just how it looks). Her unparalleled sins have drawn travelers from far and wide, surprisingly a lot from the Underworld who, although dead, miss the sweet reminiscence of their past life, and have just recently found the missing ingredience. Unfortunately, the once-sane detectives present in the room when the ingredience was activated blasted their existence to another dimension and so ended their lives. This was unexpected and their children would miss them, however, their children mysteriously liquefied into exactly 137.6 ml of hot sauce at the exact time. Its heat measurement is rated -1426354845658464857 kelvin which I won't go into detail with but a hint at how dangerous this is is that normal human expire dates are whenever it drops below 60 degrees Fahrenheit.
This is a picture of our beloved Blorgus' seventh cousin 4 times removed's adopted grandson's aunt's brother's former roommate's father's ex-husband's goldfish's soulmate. He has a name, but refuses to tell anyone. Kindly, he has communicated through morse code that should we guess his actual name, he will accept and reveal his true name, hence releasing his Noble Phantasm to the world, instantly killing everyone with blond hair, brown eyes, and a blood type of B. No one else has been reassured that they will be safe. Following this, the local idiot is now taking suggestions for what the name may be and several complaints concerning people and others fitting this description have already come through the Council for consideration. He is currently devouring the hot sauce, due to his thicc tongue being immune to the effects of heat, cold, and the judgement of people weighing 87.2 pounds. Henceforth, the relatives of the missing children and blasted detectives are having a difficult time bringing justice as they are slowly but surely losing evidence. Also, they have slowly been becoming one with the local shrubbery outside of the library, and their organs have also become hot sauce like their children.
Unrelated to this, a hot sauce sale has started up at the local Denny's beside the shrubbery for no specific reason. Coupons are being distributed via underground tunnels, and slipped into receivers ears while they sleep.
Going back to the incredible Gay™Icon™, they are indulging as much of the ingredience's aroma and flavour as humanely and divinely as possible, leading to the rumour of their abhorred taste of several items including:
Swiss Cheese
Squash
Coleslaw
Any salad that isn't made with primarily lettuce (beep beep)
Tomatoes
Eggplant
All of these normal ingredients have already been tried in various combinations and only grandma Raeyechaeyelle Chailatte-Wondoe knows and can manipulate through several cultural rituals and a few spanges to make an ... "ingredience". Gay™Icon™ has been gesticulating in a variety of different moves with which to show the pleasure they are experiencing whilst consuming the ever growing sentient being, of course who has now taken over at least half the town, including flailing their arms, breathing so hard that their ribcage has grown four times the size of a ladder, and their rainbow cape has caught fire. All of these are common laws and rules for happiness.
This just in, one strange creature has come out in the night in the woods, to provide an explanation for the scene at which the event took place, which is now covered in burning hot sauce...
And with that, take care of yourselves, and don't forget "keep smiling and all will be okay" :)